Big News!

I've been quiet lately. I can blame it entirely on the below news, but that'd be a lie. I'm just a bad blogger. But, I'll blame it at least partially on the below news. So-- what news?

(I feel like I should warn that the below news might be emotional for some, especially if you found this blog from secondary infertility searches)

Without further ado....

Baby T 2.0 Coming Your Way This November!!!

After trying for 16 months, lots of doctors visits and tests, we (finally) got pregnant. While we didn't know when we cancelled our cruise and decided to stick in the US, we did make that decision due to the Zika Virus-- but only because we wanted to get pregnant and didn't want to stop trying for the recommended 6 months. In fact, I was damn sure I wasn't pregnant. We were ready to start Clomid, a common fertility treatment drug, on my next cycle.

Then, we got back from Florida and a week later I was due to start my cycle and decided to take a test, even though I was sure it would be negative. I took the test and legit walked away and forgot I took it. Again, I was just so sure it'd be negative. When I walked back by it a half hour later I about crapped my pants. Was that a line? Could that be a line? It was so faint... but, it looked like it might be a line! I packed Bailey into the car as quickly as I've ever moved... ever. We raced to Walgreens and I got a fancy digital test that would say the word pregnant or not. When I got home ready to take the test, the Hubs had just gotten home. Gah! I wanted to take it and know before telling him anything. So, I basically threw Bailey to him and raced to the bathroom (all while looking like a lunatic). Of course, the test was positive. I grabbed Bailey and took her into her room without the Hubs (all while looking like a lunatic... still) and put her in a "Big Sister" shirt and then had her go tell the Hubs "I a big sister!" The Hubs was SHOCKED and so happy.

And that's how we found out Bailey is gonna be a big sister. I'm currently about 15 weeks along. Expect a full first trimester update soon!

To say I'm surprised and excited and happy would all be a drastic understatement. I couldn't stop smiling for days. In fact, I'm still smiling! We're having another baby!!!!! I almost don't believe it, but I've seen an ultrasound and heard the heartbeat. It's true! There's a baby in there! Gaaaaaah!!!!  It took so long (to me). I was so discouraged and had convinced myself it just wasn't gonna happen. I was SO sad everytime I read a story line mine above. But, here I am. I'm pregnant!!!!!!!! Simple as that. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things I'm Tired of Seeing

Fucking tampons. Every single month I have to buy these stupid things and every single month it just kills me. It's one of Mother Natures biggest jokes. Not only does it remind me that I'm STILL not pregnant, but I also have to spend money on stupid tampons, have painful cramps, and bloat a couple pant sizes. Super fun times.

This door. To almost every one else, it's just a door. And behind that door is just an empty bedroom. To me, from the day we moved in and painted this room a neutral green, this has been "Future Baby T's Room". After more than a year of trying, it is still "Future Baby T's Room" and simply put it tears my heart apart. Most days, I can just ignore it and try not to look at the door way. Most days, I simply choose to look left instead of right when I walk out of the master bedroom. But, some days. Some days I can't help it. I look. I stare. I'm memorized by it and paralyzed by it. I can't help it. I cry. I feel sorry for myself. I feel like an asshole for feeling sorry for myself. I get mad. I get sad. I cry more. And then I sorta get over it and the next day I don't look. It's a painful cycle I just don't know how to stop.

When I stop to think about how long I've been taking Prenatal Vitamins, I can't help but laugh. It's somehow comical to me. I've been taking this vitamin for pregnant women for longer than a woman is pregnant and have no baby to show for it. It's not funny. I know that. But, I laugh. Hey, it's better than crying, right?

Things I'm Tired of Hearing

There are a lot of things I hear everyday that drive me bonkers... the number of times Bailey asks to watch a show, the whimpering Sadie makes when she voluntarily jumps off the bed in the middle of the night but then wants to get back on the bed and won't til I say "up", when women call themselves fat, when parents call their kids dumb... the list goes on.


But, there are a few things lately that absolutely break my heart when I hear....


"So, do you just have the one kid?"

Congrats, asshat. You can count.

"When are you having another one?" or "Don't you want another one?"

It's none of your business if I want another child or not. Who the F do you think you are?

"You better make her a big sister soon! You don't want her to be an only child!"

OMG. This one kills me. One of the biggest reasons I want another child is because I don't want Bailey to be an only child. I have an amazing relationship with my siblings and I want the same for Bailey. The idea that she might be alone when the Hubs and I get older completely breaks my heart. Thanks for reminding me that I'm failing at giving her that.

99% of the time when someone says something like that I know they mean no harm. They don't know we've been trying for over a year. They don't know it breaks my heart into a gazillion little pieces. They don't know it's the 5th time that week I've been asked that. I know that. But, it still stings so incredibly bad.

99% of the time, I let it go and just reply something like "We're working on it!" But, every once in a while, I can't help it and I open up. I tell them I'd LOVE to have another one and that we've been trying for over a year and have been to fertility doctors and nothing so far and I'm sad and frustrated and dying inside. OK, maybe not that word for word, but something close. Almost every time the response I get from the person is something else I don't want to hear...


"You shouldn't be upset. At least you have one kid. Focus on that. You're so blessed already."

Here's the thing: I KNOW I'm so incredibly lucky that I have one kid already. Of COURSE I know that. I love Bailey so very, very much. Little girl has me wrapped around her finger. She's my world. But (and this is a big but), that doesn't mean I can't want another child. It doesn't mean I can't be so upset I haven't been able to get pregnant. It just doesn't. I'm not sure anyone who hasn't gone through it can understand, but just because I have one child who I love more than life itself doesn't mean I can't be totally heartbroken I'm not having another one.

"It'll happen when you least expect it! Stop thinking about it and stop trying and it'll happen."

Because it's just that easy to stop thinking about something you want with every fiber of your being. I'll just think about cheese instead. Great idea.

"My friend did X, Y, Z and she got pregnant like that!" or "Maybe you're not getting pregnant because you eat gluten (or whatever else)."

I've tried X, Y, Z. About a million times. Trust me. I've done more research than you. I know what I'm doing, believe it or not. I got it. It's JUST NOT HAPPENING. It's not not happening because I'm not doing something. I promise. It's just not happening. There's literally no known reason. DOCTORS have told me that. Simple, and painful, as that.

I KNOW people don't mean anything. I know. I KNOW. But, it still hurts. So, do me a favor and just don't say those things to people, ok? Thanks. :)

Unexplained Secondary Infertility

You know the drill.

When you're single, you're asked about a gazillion times a day if you're dating anyone.

I wasn't ready for these questions.

When you start dating someone, you're asked when you're getting married.

I wasn't ready for these questions.

No sooner than you say I do and you're being flooded with questions about when you're gonna get knocked up. And yes, I do mean the way I phrased that as it's ALWAYS the woman who's asked those questions, never the man.

I wasn't ready for these questions.

The day baby one blows the candles out on her first birthday smash cake the questions about baby two start pouring in.

I was ready for them.

Good thing too because the number of times I got asked when Matt and I are having more kids was astronomical. The day I gave birth to my beautiful, perfect little girl I knew I wanted more kid(s). I knew my heart wasn't full with and our family wasn't complete. I just knew. I can't explain it any better than that. Of COURSE I loved Bailey with my entire heart. Of course. And of course I didn't want another child that minute. Or the next 98447839 minutes. I needed time. Of course I needed some time. But, still. I knew from day 1.

Like the stereotypical suburban family, the Hubs and I started trying to have more kids after Bailey turned one.

That was over 14 months ago and the Hubs and I are still there. Trying.

I'm no longer ready or open to those questions. Those questions make my heart bleed and make me want to punch the person in the face.

After trying for baby two for a year, the Hubs and I went to a Reproductive Specialist to get poked and prodded and hand over way too much money to see WTF was going on. And what did we learn? Pretty much nothing. Hubs and I were diagnosed with Unexplained Secondary Infertility.

I can't even handle that phrase. UNEXPLAINED SECONDARY INFERTILITY.

INFERTILITY.

That word. It HAUNTS me. I never imagined one single word could occupy so much of my time and thoughts.

After going through all the tests and blood draws and more tests and more blood draws, the Hubs and I check out a-ok. More than ok. Perfect even. Nothing is "wrong" with either of us. There is NO reason we haven't been able to conceive another child. No known reason at least.

Not knowing how to fix something so important kills me. How do I fight a problem that I can't identify? How do I fix something when I don't know what's broken? It's so unbelievably frustrating.

I wish I had some elegant way to explain how I was and still am feeling. I don't. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm a bitch. I'm really, really sad. I'm guilt-filled. I'm a thousand things in between and I go back and forth between these feelings at an alarming rate.  

So, that's about where I am. The Hubs and I are still trying. My emotions, thoughts and feelings are still ALL OVER the place, ALL the time.

I have a lot more to say on the topic, but I don't really know how. I'm sure, in the least elegant way, it'll spew out over time.