Thursday, February 11, 2016

Things I'm Tired of Hearing

There are a lot of things I hear everyday that drive me bonkers... the number of times Bailey asks to watch a show, the whimpering Sadie makes when she voluntarily jumps off the bed in the middle of the night but then wants to get back on the bed and won't til I say "up", when women call themselves fat, when parents call their kids dumb... the list goes on.

But, there are a few things lately that absolutely break my heart when I hear....

"So, do you just have the one kid?"
Congrats, asshat. You can count.

"When are you having another one?" or "Don't you want another one?"
It's none of your business if I want another child or not. Who the F do you think you are?

"You better make her a big sister soon! You don't want her to be an only child!"
OMG. This one kills me. One of the biggest reasons I want another child is because I don't want Bailey to be an only child. I have an amazing relationship with my siblings and I want the same for Bailey. The idea that she might be alone when the Hubs and I get older completely breaks my heart. Thanks for reminding me that I'm failing at giving her that.

99% of the time when someone says something like that I know they mean no harm. They don't know we've been trying for over a year. They don't know it breaks my heart into a gazillion little pieces. They don't know it's the 5th time that week I've been asked that. I know that. But, it still stings so incredibly bad.

99% of the time, I let it go and just reply something like "We're working on it!" But, every once in a while, I can't help it and I open up. I tell them I'd LOVE to have another one and that we've been trying for over a year and have been to fertility doctors and nothing so far and I'm sad and frustrated and dying inside. OK, maybe not that word for word, but something close. Almost every time the response I get from the person is something else I don't want to hear...

"You shouldn't be upset. At least you have one kid. Focus on that. You're so blessed already."
Here's the thing: I KNOW I'm so incredibly lucky that I have one kid already. Of COURSE I know that. I love Bailey so very, very much. Little girl has me wrapped around her finger. She's my world. But (and this is a big but), that doesn't mean I can't want another child. It doesn't mean I can't be so upset I haven't been able to get pregnant. It just doesn't. I'm not sure anyone who hasn't gone through it can understand, but just because I have one child who I love more than life itself doesn't mean I can't be totally heartbroken I'm not having another one.

"It'll happen when you least expect it! Stop thinking about it and stop trying and it'll happen."
Because it's just that easy to stop thinking about something you want with every fiber of your being. I'll just think about cheese instead. Great idea.

"My friend did X, Y, Z and she got pregnant like that!" or "Maybe you're not getting pregnant because you eat gluten (or whatever else)."
I've tried X, Y, Z. About a million times. Trust me. I've done more research than you. I know what I'm doing, believe it or not. I got it. It's JUST NOT HAPPENING. It's not not happening because I'm not doing something. I promise. It's just not happening. There's literally no known reason. DOCTORS have told me that. Simple, and painful, as that.

I KNOW people don't mean anything. I know. I KNOW. But, it still hurts. So, do me a favor and just don't say those things to people, ok? Thanks. :)

Monday, February 8, 2016

Unexplained Secondary Infertility

You know the drill.

When you're single, you're asked about a gazillion times a day if you're dating anyone.
I wasn't ready for these questions.

When you start dating someone, you're asked when you're getting married.
I wasn't ready for these questions.

No sooner than you say I do and you're being flooded with questions about when you're gonna get knocked up. And yes, I do mean the way I phrased that as it's ALWAYS the woman who's asked those questions, never the man.
I wasn't ready for these questions.

The day baby one blows the candles out on her first birthday smash cake the questions about baby two start pouring in.
I was ready for them.

Good thing too because the number of times I got asked when Matt and I are having more kids was astronomical. The day I gave birth to my beautiful, perfect little girl I knew I wanted more kid(s). I knew my heart wasn't full with and our family wasn't complete. I just knew. I can't explain it any better than that. Of COURSE I loved Bailey with my entire heart. Of course. And of course I didn't want another child that minute. Or the next 98447839 minutes. I needed time. Of course I needed some time. But, still. I knew from day 1.

Like the stereotypical suburban family, the Hubs and I started trying to have more kids after Bailey turned one.

That was over 14 months ago and the Hubs and I are still there. Trying.

I'm no longer ready or open to those questions. Those questions make my heart bleed and make me want to punch the person in the face.

After trying for baby two for a year, the Hubs and I went to a Reproductive Specialist to get poked and prodded and hand over way too much money to see WTF was going on. And what did we learn? Pretty much nothing. Hubs and I were diagnosed with Unexplained Secondary Infertility.

I can't even handle that phrase. UNEXPLAINED SECONDARY INFERTILITY.


That word. It HAUNTS me. I never imagined one single word could occupy so much of my time and thoughts.

After going through all the tests and blood draws and more tests and more blood draws, the Hubs and I check out a-ok. More than ok. Perfect even. Nothing is "wrong" with either of us. There is NO reason we haven't been able to conceive another child. No known reason at least.

Not knowing how to fix something so important kills me. How do I fight a problem that I can't identify? How do I fix something when I don't know what's broken? It's so unbelievably frustrating.

I wish I had some elegant way to explain how I was and still am feeling. I don't. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm a bitch. I'm really, really sad. I'm guilt-filled. I'm a thousand things in between and I go back and forth between these feelings at an alarming rate.  

So, that's about where I am. The Hubs and I are still trying. My emotions, thoughts and feelings are still ALL OVER the place, ALL the time.

I have a lot more to say on the topic, but I don't really know how. I'm sure, in the least elegant way, it'll spew out over time.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Bailey: 2 Year Update

I'm way late. Bailey turned two in November. Woah. Even typing that kills me. Hooooooow does time go so incredibly fast?!?!

Age: 2 years old

Size: I *think* she was about 27.5 pounds at her 2 year check up. Ugh! I'm so mad I don't know for sure. I'll be better about that.

She's in mainly 24 months clothes. Some 18 month and some 2T, just depending on what hand-me-downs we have laying around.

She's now potty trained (What?!?!? YEP!!!! I know! Don't worry... a full post about the potty training process coming soon), but when she turned 2 she was in size 4 diapers.

She does still wear a diaper to nap (though she's been dry through nap about 90% of the time) and bed (she's dry about 40% of the time). We're working our way through the leftover 4's and 5's at night to give a little extra room.

Sleep: Well, in November when she was actually turned 2, sleep was going well. She was sleeping from 7pm-7am like clockwork. She was napping from 1-3:30ish, pretty well too. Sometimes it'd take her a bit to fall asleep, but generally she was a good sleeper.

Oh, those were the glory days. The wonderful pacifier days.

Those days are over.

Ok, I'm being dramatic. We literally just this week got rid of the paci. Girl started biting through them. That's an understatement. She was destroying the paci's. And destroying them fast. She ruined one in a couple weeks and then the next in 2 days. That's when we knew it was time to get rid of it. We're in the middle of that process now, so I feel like it's not quite fair to say sleep has gone to hell. It'll get better. The first night paci-free was actually great! The second night, there were more than a few tears. I'm confident we'll get back on track. We're still on a 7am-7pm schedule with a 1-3:30pm nap. Or at least that's the plan. Keep your fingers crossed.

We're still going strong in the crib and I have no intentions of moving to a regular bed anytime soon. Girl will go to college in a crib if I have my way. She sleeps with lots of stuffed animals and blankets. Her stuffed Minnie and duck blanket are by far her favorites, but she doesn't have a lovie or anything like that.

Food: We stopped nursing when B was around 14 months. She's now eating 3 solid meals a day and, while she would LOVE to snack ALL DAY LONG, I try to limit her to 1-2 snacks. She LOVES chicken nuggets, string cheese, any kind of fruit, waffles, pancakes, bacon, salami, goldfish crackers, ice cream, and fruit snacks.

She loves milk and juice (which she got for the first time while potty training and continues to ask for it nonstop ever since). She's generally a decent eater. She's not a red-meat fan and won't touch a hamburger to save her life. Veggies are hit or miss, though she's pretty good with peas, corn and broccoli and raw carrots and cucumbers if she can dip them in ranch.

Generally I try to take the parent decides what and when we eat, child decides how much they eat rule. About 75% of the time Bailey is served whatever the Hubs and I are eating for dinner and she can then choose if and how much she eats. I'll generally also give her fruit and/or cheese, as well.

-Shows. I limit her TV time a LOT. I try very hard not to let her watch tv 2 days in a row and to limit it to one show a day. Of course, sometimes best laid plans go to hell, but I do try. We're not a tv-on-all-the-time-even-just-in-the-background kind of family. Generally, from 7am-5pm, the TV is simply not on. If we're coming home from somewhere close to nap and I want to keep her awake in the car, I'll let her watch a show (Mickey Clubhouse or Sesame Street) in the car. But, generally-- that's it during the day. If the Hubs gets home before 5:30pm and he and I do a workout at home together, she'll watch a show while he and I workout. ANYWAY-- girl LOVES tv. Every, single day she asks for "shows". Many, many times. It's out biggest battle ground right now. Super fun. Her favorite show, by FAR, is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She loves Paw Patrol and the Leep Frog stuff on Netflix, too.

-Minnie Mouse. She's in love with Minnie. All day, everyday. Minnie. Minnie. Minnie.

-Princesses. Much to my dismay, B is a full fledged girly girl.

-Dolls. Again, she's a girly girl. She LOVES to play with baby dolls-- read to them, give them pretend bottles, carry them around in a pretend car seat, whatever.

-Sadie. They are BFF's and I love it.

-Going to bed/nap without a paci (ugh)
-Being told no. Of course. She's a typical toddler.
-Not being understood. She's a good talker and I can generally understand most of what she says, but still sometimes she knows what she wants but can't articulate it well enough for an adult to understand.

Nicknames: B, Peanut Butter, Bugs, Baileybug, Stinkabink, Silly Billy Gilly Girl

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Hi there!

I know. It's been FOREVER. Just over a year, actually. Which is essentially forever, right?

Why the break? Who knows. Life. I suppose since I wasn't running as much I felt like I had nothing to say. Which is crazy, I know. So, why am I back? Must be since I'm running again, if you follow my non-logical logic, right? Yeah, no. I'm not running much. Still. I don't really know why I'm back, except that it feels right. I have a lot some things going on in my mind and this seems like as good a place as any to try to make sense of it all. So, that's that. I'm back. For how long or how often? Who knows. I make no promises.

So, what have I been up to? Hmm... life!

The Hubs and I are still great.
He's working and I'm still staying home with Bailey, though I am now teaching one class at a local college, as well. I LOVE staying home with B. Like, LOVE. I can't believe I do, but I do. I really like teaching, too. It's a perfect mix.

Bailey is getting bigger everyday. I can't believe she's over 2 already. Where did time go?!?!

She's an amazing little girl who is so curious and smart and kind. I am amazed by her every, single day.

And, her and her big sister are still BFF's.

I'm not running much these days, though I try to do at least some running every week. I ran 2 short races in October and 1 in November. Nothing serious and my speed is quite possibly gone forever. I'm cool with it. I'm still getting to the gym most days the week, just enjoying other things-- weights, elliptical, rower, classes.  

Wow. Is that really it? Exciting life I lead, eh? Consider yourself updated. :)

I have plenty more to say and just wanna start recording life a little better so I have something to selfishly look back on, but that's it for now.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Weekly Workout Recap: 11/30-12/13

Weekly Workout Recap: 11/30-12/13
Sunday, 11/30: None
Monday, 12/1: None
Tuesday, 12/2: JMR30 & 50 minute spinning class & 10 minutes elliptical
Wednesday, 12/3: 2 miles on TM (9:15 pace) & 30 minute walk & 10 minutes rower
Thursday, 12/4: JMR30 & 60 minute spinning class
Friday, 12/5: JMR30
Saturday, 12/6: None

Sunday, 12/7: None
Monday, 12/8: 7 mile on indoor track
Tuesday, 12/9: 1/2 mile run and 60-minute strength class
Wednesday, 12/10: 4 TM miles (9:00 pace!!) & 30 minutes on elliptical
Thursday, 12/11: 60 minute spinning class
Friday, 12/12: None
Saturday, 12/13: 6.5 mile run

Thursday, December 11, 2014

2 Things Thursday

Two Things I've Been Up To:
1. Shopping

I can't even make these conversations up.

2. Getting dressed. See, it's not every day I get dressed in REAL clothes. Sure, I put a bra on every day-- but some days, it's yoga pants and a t-shirt. I mean, if I'm not leaving the house why not?!?!? And, I am ALWAYS dirty. Bailey's snotting nose and/or grubby hands are always all over me. Even when I do get dressed in real clothes, I'm dirty 6 seconds later.

Look! Real clothes!! Boots and a necklace and I even did my hair. Less than 2 minutes later, I'm covered in something. I don't even know what or how girl manages to work so fast.
Two Recent Workouts:
1. Run, run, ruuuuuning.
I've been running a little more lately. What can I say-- I'm still inspired.

2. Elliptical. BLEARH.
Nothing really more to say about that.
Two Pictures of Bailey:
No explanation needed. SO MUCH CUTENESS.

Two Random Things:
1. I hit my head on a bookshelf while plugging in our Christmas tree and cut myself in the forehead. It's a small cut, but drew blood and now looks like a zit. Only me.  

2. I am OBSESSED with this song.

I Run Because I Can

I was at the gym the other day and had just stepped on the indoor track and started to run. I was already feeling BLAH and 3 steps in was telling myself in my head to just quit and do something else-- something easier. I went through every excuse in the book-- I'm too tired, my legs are heavy, I'm out of shape, I won't be fast anyway, what's the point... on and on and on.

Then, I look up and see a guy with a learning and physical disability walking in front of me. Well, working on walking. He must have been in some sort of PT program or something because he was working with another person and I overheard the therapist just telling him over and over not to give up and keep working on it. 

Obviously I don't know this man. I don't know what sort of disability he has or his story. I don't know his history. Shit, I don't even know his name. I've never met him. I don't KNOW him. Not even a little. But, I felt so incredibly connected to him in this moment.

I could see the man struggle with each step. I could see that just WALKING was a struggle and such an accomplishment for him. I could see that it hurt and was painful and awkward and that it was SO HARD for him just to take a couple steps. And, I could see that he was NOT going to give up. He kept walking. Small, uneasy steps. With a grimace and moan with each step. But, he didn't give up. He kept going. And I could see he was SO PROUD of himself. Even while in pain, I could see how hard he was working and that he knew he was working hard and that he was accomplishing something.

And here I was. Bitching in my head about how I HAD to run and how it sucked and how I sucked and how hard it was. Here was this amazing man working with everything he had just to take a single step, right in front of me. I was so in my head about how my legs were heavy and how out of shape I was and how slow I was that I've been forgetting just how amazing running is.

He inspired me. I don't know him and he might tell me to shut the F up and not to use him as inspiration, but I am. He reminded me to just stop and run. I stopped bitching. I stopped complaining. I just ran. He reminded me that I run because I can. There are SO many people who would do ANYTHING to run and here I was bitching about it. Stupid me. I run because I can. I GET to run. My legs have carried me through SO much and I give them such shit. This man reminded me to stop and just run. He reminded me that I run because I CAN.


And he reminded me to be proud of that. 1 mile or 11 miles. 9 minute mile or 14 minute mile. Just shut up and be proud of what I accomplished.
So, I ran. I ran because I can. I ran for him. I ran for me. I ran. 7 miles. Slow, imperfect miles. But, I ran and I thought of this man I will never know. And I loved every second. 
Is it cheesy? Yep. Will I remember it every time I go to run? Nope. Will it make me start running 30 mile weeks? Not even a little. Does any of that make it any less true or any less profound? Not even a little.