Monday, February 29, 2016

Weekend in the Lou

The Hubs and his BFF decided it was time for them to have a man-staycation so they could catch a Purdue basketball game together. I could have stayed and cheered against them, but decided I'd take Bugs and get out of there hair-- really, any excuse to take a mini-trip down to St. Louis to visit my sister and nephew.

The 5 hour car drive wasn't too bad. B read books for 2 hours and watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse the rest of the way. Yep- 3 straight hours of OH TOODLES. Thank God for the new child headphones I bought her. B and I got in right around dinner time on Friday. We stayed in and had dinner at my sisters and watched Gilmore Girls. Because we ALWAYS watch Gilmore Girls. Because it's THE best. Obviously.

Saturday we went for a long walk in the morning and then went to my nephews basketball game where I decided I should never put B in sports because I am going to be the worst sports parent ever.

His team lost by ONE POINT and I almost had a heart attack. I just can't take it. After the devastating loss (yes, he was over it in about 2 minutes and yes, it took me closer to 2 hours-- who's counting?!?!), we went to the dog park, library, for pizza for lunch, and then to the zoo.

The St. Louis Zoo is the BEST.

B was SO MUCH fun too! She's at the perfect zoo age. She couldn't get enough animals.

Monkeys! Bears! Tigers! Penguins! It was such a great time. Seriously- if you're ever in the StL area, go. We go almost every time we're in the area and love it each time more and more.

Girl was SPENT by the end of the zoo.

So, we grabbed dinner on the way back and ate take out at home over more Gilmore Girls.

The weekend ended with a great breakfast Sunday before we took off for the drive back.

It was a GREAT weekend.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Two Thing Thursday

2 Thing Thursday

Two Things I'm Watching:
1. The Walking Dead on Netflix. The Hubs and I were on the hunt for a show we could watch together, as sorta mini-date nights in once a week after Bugs went to sleep. We watched one episode of this and the Hubs decided he wasn't into it but I liked it. I mean, it gives me nightmares but I'm into it. So now I'm watching it solo at the gym or during nap.  
2. Jessica Jones on Netflix. This was the next show the Hubs and I tried on our date night quest and we both liked it. We're almost through season one.

Two Things I Bought:
1. Taco Sauce. We're having taco night and I realized we were out. You can't have tacos without taco cause!
2. Mint flavored toothpaste. We went over the weekend and the Hubs grabbed the toothpaste. It wasn't til we got home that we realized he grabbed cinnamon flavored. Not happening. I exchanged it for mint and all is right in the world again.

Two Pics of Peanut Butter:

Two Things I'm Eating Lately:
OK, this is really just one thing. I've been doing protein shakes for lunch. I'd lie and say it's because they taste so yummy, but that'd be a big, fat lie. I'm trying to clean up my eating (& shrink my waist) before gorging myself on the cruise the Hubs and I are going on in a couple weeks.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Things I'm Tired of Seeing

Fucking tampons. Every single month I have to buy these stupid things and every single month it just kills me. It's one of Mother Natures biggest jokes. Not only does it remind me that I'm STILL not pregnant, but I also have to spend money on stupid tampons, have painful cramps, and bloat a couple pant sizes. Super fun times.

This door. To almost every one else, it's just a door. And behind that door is just an empty bedroom. To me, from the day we moved in and painted this room a neutral green, this has been "Future Baby T's Room". After more than a year of trying, it is still "Future Baby T's Room" and simply put it tears my heart apart. Most days, I can just ignore it and try not to look at the door way. Most days, I simply choose to look left instead of right when I walk out of the master bedroom. But, some days. Some days I can't help it. I look. I stare. I'm memorized by it and paralyzed by it. I can't help it. I cry. I feel sorry for myself. I feel like an asshole for feeling sorry for myself. I get mad. I get sad. I cry more. And then I sorta get over it and the next day I don't look. It's a painful cycle I just don't know how to stop.

When I stop to think about how long I've been taking Prenatal Vitamins, I can't help but laugh. It's somehow comical to me. I've been taking this vitamin for pregnant women for longer than a woman is pregnant and have no baby to show for it. It's not funny. I know that. But, I laugh. Hey, it's better than crying, right?

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Things I'm Tired of Hearing

There are a lot of things I hear everyday that drive me bonkers... the number of times Bailey asks to watch a show, the whimpering Sadie makes when she voluntarily jumps off the bed in the middle of the night but then wants to get back on the bed and won't til I say "up", when women call themselves fat, when parents call their kids dumb... the list goes on.

But, there are a few things lately that absolutely break my heart when I hear....

"So, do you just have the one kid?"
Congrats, asshat. You can count.

"When are you having another one?" or "Don't you want another one?"
It's none of your business if I want another child or not. Who the F do you think you are?

"You better make her a big sister soon! You don't want her to be an only child!"
OMG. This one kills me. One of the biggest reasons I want another child is because I don't want Bailey to be an only child. I have an amazing relationship with my siblings and I want the same for Bailey. The idea that she might be alone when the Hubs and I get older completely breaks my heart. Thanks for reminding me that I'm failing at giving her that.

99% of the time when someone says something like that I know they mean no harm. They don't know we've been trying for over a year. They don't know it breaks my heart into a gazillion little pieces. They don't know it's the 5th time that week I've been asked that. I know that. But, it still stings so incredibly bad.

99% of the time, I let it go and just reply something like "We're working on it!" But, every once in a while, I can't help it and I open up. I tell them I'd LOVE to have another one and that we've been trying for over a year and have been to fertility doctors and nothing so far and I'm sad and frustrated and dying inside. OK, maybe not that word for word, but something close. Almost every time the response I get from the person is something else I don't want to hear...

"You shouldn't be upset. At least you have one kid. Focus on that. You're so blessed already."
Here's the thing: I KNOW I'm so incredibly lucky that I have one kid already. Of COURSE I know that. I love Bailey so very, very much. Little girl has me wrapped around her finger. She's my world. But (and this is a big but), that doesn't mean I can't want another child. It doesn't mean I can't be so upset I haven't been able to get pregnant. It just doesn't. I'm not sure anyone who hasn't gone through it can understand, but just because I have one child who I love more than life itself doesn't mean I can't be totally heartbroken I'm not having another one.

"It'll happen when you least expect it! Stop thinking about it and stop trying and it'll happen."
Because it's just that easy to stop thinking about something you want with every fiber of your being. I'll just think about cheese instead. Great idea.

"My friend did X, Y, Z and she got pregnant like that!" or "Maybe you're not getting pregnant because you eat gluten (or whatever else)."
I've tried X, Y, Z. About a million times. Trust me. I've done more research than you. I know what I'm doing, believe it or not. I got it. It's JUST NOT HAPPENING. It's not not happening because I'm not doing something. I promise. It's just not happening. There's literally no known reason. DOCTORS have told me that. Simple, and painful, as that.

I KNOW people don't mean anything. I know. I KNOW. But, it still hurts. So, do me a favor and just don't say those things to people, ok? Thanks. :)

Monday, February 8, 2016

Unexplained Secondary Infertility

You know the drill.

When you're single, you're asked about a gazillion times a day if you're dating anyone.
I wasn't ready for these questions.

When you start dating someone, you're asked when you're getting married.
I wasn't ready for these questions.

No sooner than you say I do and you're being flooded with questions about when you're gonna get knocked up. And yes, I do mean the way I phrased that as it's ALWAYS the woman who's asked those questions, never the man.
I wasn't ready for these questions.

The day baby one blows the candles out on her first birthday smash cake the questions about baby two start pouring in.
I was ready for them.

Good thing too because the number of times I got asked when Matt and I are having more kids was astronomical. The day I gave birth to my beautiful, perfect little girl I knew I wanted more kid(s). I knew my heart wasn't full with and our family wasn't complete. I just knew. I can't explain it any better than that. Of COURSE I loved Bailey with my entire heart. Of course. And of course I didn't want another child that minute. Or the next 98447839 minutes. I needed time. Of course I needed some time. But, still. I knew from day 1.

Like the stereotypical suburban family, the Hubs and I started trying to have more kids after Bailey turned one.

That was over 14 months ago and the Hubs and I are still there. Trying.

I'm no longer ready or open to those questions. Those questions make my heart bleed and make me want to punch the person in the face.

After trying for baby two for a year, the Hubs and I went to a Reproductive Specialist to get poked and prodded and hand over way too much money to see WTF was going on. And what did we learn? Pretty much nothing. Hubs and I were diagnosed with Unexplained Secondary Infertility.

I can't even handle that phrase. UNEXPLAINED SECONDARY INFERTILITY.


That word. It HAUNTS me. I never imagined one single word could occupy so much of my time and thoughts.

After going through all the tests and blood draws and more tests and more blood draws, the Hubs and I check out a-ok. More than ok. Perfect even. Nothing is "wrong" with either of us. There is NO reason we haven't been able to conceive another child. No known reason at least.

Not knowing how to fix something so important kills me. How do I fight a problem that I can't identify? How do I fix something when I don't know what's broken? It's so unbelievably frustrating.

I wish I had some elegant way to explain how I was and still am feeling. I don't. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm a bitch. I'm really, really sad. I'm guilt-filled. I'm a thousand things in between and I go back and forth between these feelings at an alarming rate.  

So, that's about where I am. The Hubs and I are still trying. My emotions, thoughts and feelings are still ALL OVER the place, ALL the time.

I have a lot more to say on the topic, but I don't really know how. I'm sure, in the least elegant way, it'll spew out over time.