Monday, February 8, 2016

Unexplained Secondary Infertility

You know the drill.

When you're single, you're asked about a gazillion times a day if you're dating anyone.
I wasn't ready for these questions.

When you start dating someone, you're asked when you're getting married.
I wasn't ready for these questions.

No sooner than you say I do and you're being flooded with questions about when you're gonna get knocked up. And yes, I do mean the way I phrased that as it's ALWAYS the woman who's asked those questions, never the man.
I wasn't ready for these questions.

The day baby one blows the candles out on her first birthday smash cake the questions about baby two start pouring in.
I was ready for them.

Good thing too because the number of times I got asked when Matt and I are having more kids was astronomical. The day I gave birth to my beautiful, perfect little girl I knew I wanted more kid(s). I knew my heart wasn't full with and our family wasn't complete. I just knew. I can't explain it any better than that. Of COURSE I loved Bailey with my entire heart. Of course. And of course I didn't want another child that minute. Or the next 98447839 minutes. I needed time. Of course I needed some time. But, still. I knew from day 1.

Like the stereotypical suburban family, the Hubs and I started trying to have more kids after Bailey turned one.

That was over 14 months ago and the Hubs and I are still there. Trying.

I'm no longer ready or open to those questions. Those questions make my heart bleed and make me want to punch the person in the face.

After trying for baby two for a year, the Hubs and I went to a Reproductive Specialist to get poked and prodded and hand over way too much money to see WTF was going on. And what did we learn? Pretty much nothing. Hubs and I were diagnosed with Unexplained Secondary Infertility.

I can't even handle that phrase. UNEXPLAINED SECONDARY INFERTILITY.


That word. It HAUNTS me. I never imagined one single word could occupy so much of my time and thoughts.

After going through all the tests and blood draws and more tests and more blood draws, the Hubs and I check out a-ok. More than ok. Perfect even. Nothing is "wrong" with either of us. There is NO reason we haven't been able to conceive another child. No known reason at least.

Not knowing how to fix something so important kills me. How do I fight a problem that I can't identify? How do I fix something when I don't know what's broken? It's so unbelievably frustrating.

I wish I had some elegant way to explain how I was and still am feeling. I don't. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm a bitch. I'm really, really sad. I'm guilt-filled. I'm a thousand things in between and I go back and forth between these feelings at an alarming rate.  

So, that's about where I am. The Hubs and I are still trying. My emotions, thoughts and feelings are still ALL OVER the place, ALL the time.

I have a lot more to say on the topic, but I don't really know how. I'm sure, in the least elegant way, it'll spew out over time.

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