Elias: One Month Recap

Age: I just can't. How has it been a month already? I thought time went by fast when Bailey was at this stage-- well, then it's been in hyper drive since Elias has been born. I just cannot believe he's a month old already. We just passed his official due date, which is also just so crazy. Where does the time go??

Weight: 7 pound
Height: 20 1/4 inches

Elias has taken after his big sister in the slow-weight-gainer category. He was born bigger, but has struggled with nursing more and we've had more weight checks than I can count. By 4 weeks, we've finally been given a (potentially temporary) OK stamp by the doc and don't have another visit til 2 months! He never lost after leaving the hospital, but he gained very slowly and less per day than they wanted til he was about 3 weeks when he started gaining about an ounce a day, which is right on track. Hopefully we'll hear the same at the 2 month check up in a few weeks.


Sleep: About 2-3 hour stretches

The doctor had us on a strict no-more-than-3-hour schedule for feedings, very similar to his big sister, as he too needed to pack on the pounds. But, after his last weight check, the doc has backed off. He still needs to eat 8-10 times per day which is about every 2-3 hours, so not too much has changed. We've never really given him the opportunity to "sleep through the night" not that I think he would even if we let him.

During the day, we try to follow the eat/play/sleep plan and he'll eat every 2-3 hours, making his napping times vary a bit too. We're definitely not on a schedule yet, but we do have some consistencies-- I try to wake him every day at about 8 after Bailey wakes up and has breakfast. Then, I try to get him to nap each day from 1-3, as that's what Bailey "naps" (aka- plays in her bed quietly) and we put him to "sleep" every night at about 7:30pm, after we read books with Bailey and she's down. Everything in between is pretty much a free for all. Having Bailey to entertain and care for all day makes Elias have to go with the flow much more. Poor 2nd kid.

Generally at night I've been nursing him to sleep (I know some people say not to do that... whatever. We did it with Bailey and it worked and I 100% plan to do it again.) and then putting him in his crib til he wakes around 10, when Matt gets him and changes his diaper before waking me to nurse him. Then, he sleeps in the PNP near our bed. Usually he's up again at about 1-2am and then again at about 5am. I then stay awake, shower, pump, and do some work before getting Bailey at 7am and starting our day.


Awake Time:

Again, Elias is similar to his big sister and can stay awake for LONG stretches, if he just isn't feeling the whole nap thing. He can be awake for HOURS at a time or can barely keep his eyes open. There's not a super happy medium just yet. That's fun.

Nursing/Eating: 
Ugh. I'd say this is the one big area Elias and Bailey have differed on the most. Nursing has been a STRUGGLE with Elias. We're making it work and are still going strong, but with many bumps and bruises on our way. We've been to more weight checks and lactation consultant appointments than I can count. We're FINALLY appointment free til just after Christmas, so that's amazing but also a little nerve wracking to wait and see how he's doing scale wise. We'll see soon enough.

The LC's were/are concerned about my supply and think somehow I just don't have as good of a supply this time around. The LC even had me give him 1 ounce of formula in their office once because he was still hungry and I was totally dry. That's been all the formula he's had, but my supply has still not skyrocketed or anything. I'm taking my weight in fenugreek and other herbs. I'm drinking water all the freaking time. And, I'm pumping. Joy. I HATE pumping and THOUGHT I wouldn't have to do it this time since I'm not working out of the house and all. WRONG. Pumping helps increasing and maintain supply, so I'm doing it. A lot. About 3-5 times a day for about 5 minutes right after nursing. I'm getting about 2.5 ounce a day TOTAL which is essentially nothing, but it's enough for the Hubs to give Elias 1 bottle a day if we want.

Eli is nursing every 2-3 hours, about 8-10 times a day. He does about 10 minutes a side, both sides every time. But, that's a FIGHT. He's so sleepy and really makes me work to get full feedings. Sometimes I win, sometimes he wins.

He cluster feeds often during his "witching hour" which is about 4-7pm almost nightly. Nursing is generally the only thing that can keep him happy during this time.

I'd love to say I'm loving nursing, but I'm not really. I'm committed to it and want it to be successful but it's been MUCH more stressful this time. I don't have the time or energy to simply sit on my ass all day and nurse like I could with Bailey. I just can't do that with a toddler running around who also needs love and attention. I think we'll fight through this initial hard period and will end up being just as successful as Bailey and I were, but man! It is HARD this time. Much harder.

Likes: Being bundled up in a blanket or swaddled, looking at lights, his paci, his big sister, and his mama. Bailey was a daddy's girl at this age, but Elias is pretty much all about me right now. Luckily, Bailey still LOVES and adored her daddy and we can divide and conquer a bit til little man outgrows the mama stage and wants nothing to do with me. :)

Dislikes: Diaper changes. Holy bajeez, he screams bloody murder for every, single one. He also really doesn't like tummy time. Oh, and not being held while he's awake. He really doesn't like to just sit in a swing or in a bouncy seat. He wants to be sleeping, swaddled and in his crib or to be held and awake. No in between.

He has a pretty bad witching hour(s) from 4-7pm. Nothing much can make him stop crying during this period which makes dinner super fun.

Oh, and he hates getting into the car seat. After he's in, he's generally OK but does cry now and then while in the car too. He's definitely not a car-loving baby. Sometimes he's OK and not screaming, but definitely doesn't love it ever.

Hit or Miss: Elias is indifferent to being worn. We've used a wrap and an Ergo with the infant insert. He doesn't like getting into it, but then seems OK most of the time.

Special Moment(s): 
Pretty much every time Bailey asks to hold him or to give him a kiss is a special moment and my heart explodes into a gazillion pieces. We also had Elias's first Halloween. And, ok for him that pretty much means nothing but still! He looked mighty cute in his first Halloween bib. 

Elias Birth Story

I've been wanting to write Elias's birth story since... well, since he was born so I won't forget even the smallest of details. But, life has had other plans. Turns out, having a new born is HARD. And exhausting. And, having a newborn while also having a toddler is really, really freaking hard. Like really hard. Like way harder than I anticipated. Anyway- it's more delayed and less detailed than I wanted, but here it goes... sit back and get some popcorn... Elias's birth story...

I had my last doctor's appointment on Wednesday, 10/19 when I just shy of 36 weeks. I got my last progesterone shot (which was SUPPOSED to stop pre-term labor... spoiler, it didn't) and had my cervix checked. I was 1 cm dilated. I went home and carried on life as usual. There was no sign anything was moving down there.

Thursday, 10/20: I lost my mucus plug. SO SEXY. Anyway- again, not a big deal and not a sign anything really was happening. No big deal. I'll admit it did make me wonder if we were getting close to D-day but I brushed it off and told myself not even to think about it til after Halloween (spoiler: I did not make it to after Halloween). I had no contractions or anything.

Friday, 10/21: The Hubs took Bailey to his parents for the weekend because it was our anniversary Saturday, 10/22. He got back that evening at about 8pm and I told him I was having some crazy Braxton hicks. They went away when I changed positions and I slept pretty well that night, so I really do still think they were Braxton hicks and I wasn't actually in labor just yet. Soon, but not just yet.

Saturday, 10/22: We woke up that morning after sleeping in because we were kidless (HA! Not for long!). When I went to the bathroom that morning, there was a lot more mucus than before. Still not a sign of labor, but I just knew something was off. I told the Hubs that morning I had a feeling today would be the day. I told him about the mucus, but that I was having no contractions or cramps at all. He said I was insane and we carried on our morning. The Hubs had a doctors appointment and I took a late morning nap. Still, no cramps or anything. We left to see an afternoon movie (The Girl on a Train) and thankfully had some food during the movie (though I had cheese fries which would give me insane heartburn which I later was super pissed about during labor). After the movie, I went to the bathroom and there was blood. I debated about not calling the doc because I was sure they'd make me come in and it'd be for nothing. But, after leaving the theatre, I decided to call. Of course, I was right and they said to come in so the hubs turned the car around and we headed to L&D. I kept saying over and over that it was stupid and it would be nothing but still, we went.

We got to the hospital around 4. We parked and walked to L&D, me feeling totally fine with no cramps or contractions. We checked in and they got me undressed and hooked me up to the monitors where it was very quickly very clear that I was having contractions. All of this was very new to both the Hubs and I, as with Bailey there was never any time for any of this and I was never hooked up to any machines.

The doc said he wanted to monitor me for 30 minutes to see if the contractions got closer together. While we were waiting and I was laying down attacked to a machine monitoring my contractions, I called my sister and was on the phone with her when I said "Either I peed myself or my water is breaking slowly". She immediately called it that I was having this baby that day. The doc came back and checked and sure enough, my water broke and the doctor told us I was having Elias today. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I was SO SURE I was going to go full term, I think I was more caught off guard this time than with Bailey. We called the Hubs parents and let them know what was going on. Thank goodness B was already with them and we didn't have to figure those logistics out. Best timing ever in that way. The fact that it was 4 weeks early and the stinker wasn't due til 11/20.... well, that wasn't great timing.

Anyway- for the first 2 hours or so was fine. I wasn't in any pain and thought things would progress quickly. The Hubs ran home to grab some stuff. I started feeling more pain about 6:30pm just as the Hubs was getting back so I went in the tub for a bit. It helped but I was sure I was having contractions very close together so I got out and asked to be checked. I was shocked to find out I only 4cm! I thought they were going to tell me I was 9 and it was going to be time to push. I was very disheartened to learn I was only 4cm and it was really starting to hurt. From 7-9pm is sorta a blur. I got in and out of the tub one more time, walked circles around the L&D floor and just waited to get further. The contractions started coming closer together and got more and more painful. By 9pm I thought I was gonna die. For real. I thought it couldn't possibly hurt any more (spoiler: it did). I asked for some IV-given pain meds. It meant I couldn't get out of bed, as many women get light headed but I needed something to help with the pain at least a bit and I really didn't want an epidural.

I got checked again and was happy to learn I was 7cm and got the pain meds at about 9:45pm. I stayed in bed for 20 minutes or so and felt like I was given nothing. It hurt more than ever. I got out of bed to try to bounce on a birthing ball and told the Hubs I just couldn't do it anymore and I wanted an epidural. The Hubs supported me, but, as I told him to do, asked the nurse about the risks. As the nurse started explaining the possible risks I already changed my mind and was going to tell her never mind. Before I could even say that though, I literally yelled "I NEED TO PUSH RIGHT NOW!"

It was unlike anything I experienced in my life. Totally unlike Bailey's birth. I literally felt like I HAD to push RIGHT THEN and it was that quick. They raced to get the doc and I was suddenly fully dialated and effaced and it was go time. I'd love to say I was calm and cool and collected, but I was soooooo not. I cried and felt like I couldn't do it. I asked them to pull Elias out of me (to which the very matter of a fact doctor replied "Meagan, there is no medical reason to do that at this time. You need to push."). I said a million times I couldn't do it. I honestly felt like I wouldn't be able to do it. It hurt more than I could ever imagine or explain. It took a few contractions of small pushing, then 1 contraction with a big push got his head out a bit (where I LITERALLY could feel myself tear--- OOOOUUCCCCHHHH!!) and then one more contraction and a reallllllly big push and he basically came out in his entirety. After only a few minutes of pushing, Elias was born at 10:43pm weighing (what we would only later learn for sure) 6 lb, 15 oz.

They put Elias on my chest for a few short minutes before taking him away to check him and then wisking him off to the special nursery (not technically a NICU, but essentially a NICU). They assured us he wasn't in any significant danger, but they wanted to keep him at least overnight (spoiler: it was more than 1 night). The Hubs stayed with Eli the entire time, never letting him out of his sight. I finished birthing the placenta and getting stitched up and eventually (after what felt like hours but was actually only 45 minutes or so) got to go to the nursery to see my beautiful baby boy again.

And just like that- Elias was born, our world was forever changed, and we were officially a family of 4.

(More on the non-NICU-but-NICU stay and experience later)

Baby T 2.0: Elias David

Introducing Elias David

Born October 22, 2016

I'm completely in love and he's absolutely perfect.

I have no intention or time to start blogging again, but I do plan to use this as a way to remember some key moments and milestones and to do some monthly recaps. It's going to be sporadic posting at best, but it's my blog and I'll blog how I want. :)

Big News!

I've been quiet lately. I can blame it entirely on the below news, but that'd be a lie. I'm just a bad blogger. But, I'll blame it at least partially on the below news. So-- what news?

(I feel like I should warn that the below news might be emotional for some, especially if you found this blog from secondary infertility searches)

Without further ado....

Baby T 2.0 Coming Your Way This November!!!

After trying for 16 months, lots of doctors visits and tests, we (finally) got pregnant. While we didn't know when we cancelled our cruise and decided to stick in the US, we did make that decision due to the Zika Virus-- but only because we wanted to get pregnant and didn't want to stop trying for the recommended 6 months. In fact, I was damn sure I wasn't pregnant. We were ready to start Clomid, a common fertility treatment drug, on my next cycle.

Then, we got back from Florida and a week later I was due to start my cycle and decided to take a test, even though I was sure it would be negative. I took the test and legit walked away and forgot I took it. Again, I was just so sure it'd be negative. When I walked back by it a half hour later I about crapped my pants. Was that a line? Could that be a line? It was so faint... but, it looked like it might be a line! I packed Bailey into the car as quickly as I've ever moved... ever. We raced to Walgreens and I got a fancy digital test that would say the word pregnant or not. When I got home ready to take the test, the Hubs had just gotten home. Gah! I wanted to take it and know before telling him anything. So, I basically threw Bailey to him and raced to the bathroom (all while looking like a lunatic). Of course, the test was positive. I grabbed Bailey and took her into her room without the Hubs (all while looking like a lunatic... still) and put her in a "Big Sister" shirt and then had her go tell the Hubs "I a big sister!" The Hubs was SHOCKED and so happy.

And that's how we found out Bailey is gonna be a big sister. I'm currently about 15 weeks along. Expect a full first trimester update soon!

To say I'm surprised and excited and happy would all be a drastic understatement. I couldn't stop smiling for days. In fact, I'm still smiling! We're having another baby!!!!! I almost don't believe it, but I've seen an ultrasound and heard the heartbeat. It's true! There's a baby in there! Gaaaaaah!!!!  It took so long (to me). I was so discouraged and had convinced myself it just wasn't gonna happen. I was SO sad everytime I read a story line mine above. But, here I am. I'm pregnant!!!!!!!! Simple as that. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can't Breathe

Story time.

So, here's the thing. I love my gym. LOVE. We belong to our local YMCA, and it's exactly what I pictured a YMCA would be in my head. And I mean that in the good and bad way. It's small and everyone knows everyone. It has a real community feel and I LOVE that. The childcare workers know and love B and that is so, so important. It's also the crappiest, smallest gym I've ever belonged to. And, again, I love my gym. It's just your quintessential YMCA-- it's dated and the options are limited. There are FOUR treadmills. Total. Maybe 6 ellipticals. No indoor pool. No track.

Why does any of this matter? I've been gym-ing 5ish days a week pretty consistently. Walking on an incline on the treadmill, ellipticalling, and rowing.

However.

Lately, if I go at 9am there's a man there. Ok, there are several men there. However, there is ONE man there that I just can't even handle. He smells and I mean REAKS of smoke. He pours sweat and the more he sweats the more it smells. I have literally had to move machines because it's literally hard to breathe next to him. It just smells so bad.

I try HARD to support all gym go-ers. GO YOU! YOU'RE WORKING OUT! THAT'S AWESOME!! GO YOU!! But, guys. I just can't. And lately, because the gym is small, I can't even move machines because it's too crowded and there are no other options.

So, lately I've been working out in a cloud of smoke and trying my very hardest not to breathe while working out. So, that's been fun.

In other news, B's got allergies or a little cold. Poor Peanut Butter. But, don't worry... that doesn't stop her from demolishing some ice cream. Girl is completely obsessed.

Life Lately

Life is crazy right now. Crazy and stressful. I hope to be back a bit more soon, but right now, things are just all over the place.

Still gyming, though have fallen off the running wagon.

B's still as cute as ever and has recently completely fallen in love with Snapchat (I'm still undecided).

Seriously-- want to entertain a kid, turn on the Snapchat face filter thing. Girl is obsessed.

I'm currently re-watching Gilmore Girls. Yes, again. And, no you can never watch this show too many times.

Anyway- life is life. Things are busy (are they ever not?). More later. Sometime. Eventually.

 

Lately

Life lately has been relatively uneventful.

Well, perhaps not totally uneventful. The Hubs and I had a last minute vacation to Universal Studios to check out Harry Potter and to Disney. It's a long story, but the short version is we were all set to go on a cruise to Mexico, but decided the Zika virus was a little to scary for us and bailed on that plan. The night before we were supposed to leave. Yup. It was a hectic 24 hours of replanning and changing plans and calling everyone under the sun, but I'm happy with out decision. We had a great time, even if now whenever I tell people that was our vacation and they ask "Aw! Bet Bailey had a blast!" and I have to reply "Errrr.... she didn't go." It was great to get some time together just us, especially in the happiest place on earth. I won't bombard you with pics, just one.

Beyond our Mickey Mouse and Harry Potter fueled vacation, it's been business as usual.

Bailey naps are a thing of the past.

Rascal. Girl is killing me. I'm still hoping it's a phase but I'm not optimistic.

I've been running. Not a ton... 15ish miles a week. I'm training for a 10-mile run. Very slow, but running.

The best news is my gym just started letting me leave B in the child care while I run outside. I am beyond excited! I've only taken advantage of it once so far, but plan to do at least 1 outdoor run, in addition to my long run which is also outside, per week. OUTDOOR RUNNING! WITHOUT A JOGGING STROLLER! Wahooooooo!!!!!!

Other than that, we're just chugging along. Little girl is obsessed with egg hunts and swinging right now. We're loving the slightly warmer weather, even if we are still in hats and gloves most the time we're outside. I'll take it!

That's that for now.

 

Weekend in the Lou

The Hubs and his BFF decided it was time for them to have a man-staycation so they could catch a Purdue basketball game together. I could have stayed and cheered against them, but decided I'd take Bugs and get out of there hair-- really, any excuse to take a mini-trip down to St. Louis to visit my sister and nephew.

The 5 hour car drive wasn't too bad. B read books for 2 hours and watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse the rest of the way. Yep- 3 straight hours of OH TOODLES. Thank God for the new child headphones I bought her. B and I got in right around dinner time on Friday. We stayed in and had dinner at my sisters and watched Gilmore Girls. Because we ALWAYS watch Gilmore Girls. Because it's THE best. Obviously.

Saturday we went for a long walk in the morning and then went to my nephews basketball game where I decided I should never put B in sports because I am going to be the worst sports parent ever.

His team lost by ONE POINT and I almost had a heart attack. I just can't take it. After the devastating loss (yes, he was over it in about 2 minutes and yes, it took me closer to 2 hours-- who's counting?!?!), we went to the dog park, library, for pizza for lunch, and then to the zoo.

The St. Louis Zoo is the BEST.

B was SO MUCH fun too! She's at the perfect zoo age. She couldn't get enough animals.

Monkeys! Bears! Tigers! Penguins! It was such a great time. Seriously- if you're ever in the StL area, go. We go almost every time we're in the area and love it each time more and more.

Girl was SPENT by the end of the zoo.

So, we grabbed dinner on the way back and ate take out at home over more Gilmore Girls.

The weekend ended with a great breakfast Sunday before we took off for the drive back.

It was a GREAT weekend.

Two Thing Thursday

2 Thing Thursday

Two Things I'm Watching:
1. The Walking Dead on Netflix. The Hubs and I were on the hunt for a show we could watch together, as sorta mini-date nights in once a week after Bugs went to sleep. We watched one episode of this and the Hubs decided he wasn't into it but I liked it. I mean, it gives me nightmares but I'm into it. So now I'm watching it solo at the gym or during nap.  

(source)

2. Jessica Jones on Netflix. This was the next show the Hubs and I tried on our date night quest and we both liked it. We're almost through season one.


Two Things I Bought:
1. Taco Sauce. We're having taco night and I realized we were out. You can't have tacos without taco cause!
2. Mint flavored toothpaste. We went over the weekend and the Hubs grabbed the toothpaste. It wasn't til we got home that we realized he grabbed cinnamon flavored. Not happening. I exchanged it for mint and all is right in the world again.


Two Pics of Peanut Butter:

Two Things I'm Eating Lately:

OK, this is really just one thing. I've been doing protein shakes for lunch. I'd lie and say it's because they taste so yummy, but that'd be a big, fat lie. I'm trying to clean up my eating (& shrink my waist) before gorging myself on the cruise the Hubs and I are going on in a couple weeks.

Things I'm Tired of Seeing

Fucking tampons. Every single month I have to buy these stupid things and every single month it just kills me. It's one of Mother Natures biggest jokes. Not only does it remind me that I'm STILL not pregnant, but I also have to spend money on stupid tampons, have painful cramps, and bloat a couple pant sizes. Super fun times.

This door. To almost every one else, it's just a door. And behind that door is just an empty bedroom. To me, from the day we moved in and painted this room a neutral green, this has been "Future Baby T's Room". After more than a year of trying, it is still "Future Baby T's Room" and simply put it tears my heart apart. Most days, I can just ignore it and try not to look at the door way. Most days, I simply choose to look left instead of right when I walk out of the master bedroom. But, some days. Some days I can't help it. I look. I stare. I'm memorized by it and paralyzed by it. I can't help it. I cry. I feel sorry for myself. I feel like an asshole for feeling sorry for myself. I get mad. I get sad. I cry more. And then I sorta get over it and the next day I don't look. It's a painful cycle I just don't know how to stop.

When I stop to think about how long I've been taking Prenatal Vitamins, I can't help but laugh. It's somehow comical to me. I've been taking this vitamin for pregnant women for longer than a woman is pregnant and have no baby to show for it. It's not funny. I know that. But, I laugh. Hey, it's better than crying, right?

Things I'm Tired of Hearing

There are a lot of things I hear everyday that drive me bonkers... the number of times Bailey asks to watch a show, the whimpering Sadie makes when she voluntarily jumps off the bed in the middle of the night but then wants to get back on the bed and won't til I say "up", when women call themselves fat, when parents call their kids dumb... the list goes on.


But, there are a few things lately that absolutely break my heart when I hear....


"So, do you just have the one kid?"

Congrats, asshat. You can count.

"When are you having another one?" or "Don't you want another one?"

It's none of your business if I want another child or not. Who the F do you think you are?

"You better make her a big sister soon! You don't want her to be an only child!"

OMG. This one kills me. One of the biggest reasons I want another child is because I don't want Bailey to be an only child. I have an amazing relationship with my siblings and I want the same for Bailey. The idea that she might be alone when the Hubs and I get older completely breaks my heart. Thanks for reminding me that I'm failing at giving her that.

99% of the time when someone says something like that I know they mean no harm. They don't know we've been trying for over a year. They don't know it breaks my heart into a gazillion little pieces. They don't know it's the 5th time that week I've been asked that. I know that. But, it still stings so incredibly bad.

99% of the time, I let it go and just reply something like "We're working on it!" But, every once in a while, I can't help it and I open up. I tell them I'd LOVE to have another one and that we've been trying for over a year and have been to fertility doctors and nothing so far and I'm sad and frustrated and dying inside. OK, maybe not that word for word, but something close. Almost every time the response I get from the person is something else I don't want to hear...


"You shouldn't be upset. At least you have one kid. Focus on that. You're so blessed already."

Here's the thing: I KNOW I'm so incredibly lucky that I have one kid already. Of COURSE I know that. I love Bailey so very, very much. Little girl has me wrapped around her finger. She's my world. But (and this is a big but), that doesn't mean I can't want another child. It doesn't mean I can't be so upset I haven't been able to get pregnant. It just doesn't. I'm not sure anyone who hasn't gone through it can understand, but just because I have one child who I love more than life itself doesn't mean I can't be totally heartbroken I'm not having another one.

"It'll happen when you least expect it! Stop thinking about it and stop trying and it'll happen."

Because it's just that easy to stop thinking about something you want with every fiber of your being. I'll just think about cheese instead. Great idea.

"My friend did X, Y, Z and she got pregnant like that!" or "Maybe you're not getting pregnant because you eat gluten (or whatever else)."

I've tried X, Y, Z. About a million times. Trust me. I've done more research than you. I know what I'm doing, believe it or not. I got it. It's JUST NOT HAPPENING. It's not not happening because I'm not doing something. I promise. It's just not happening. There's literally no known reason. DOCTORS have told me that. Simple, and painful, as that.

I KNOW people don't mean anything. I know. I KNOW. But, it still hurts. So, do me a favor and just don't say those things to people, ok? Thanks. :)

Unexplained Secondary Infertility

You know the drill.

When you're single, you're asked about a gazillion times a day if you're dating anyone.

I wasn't ready for these questions.

When you start dating someone, you're asked when you're getting married.

I wasn't ready for these questions.

No sooner than you say I do and you're being flooded with questions about when you're gonna get knocked up. And yes, I do mean the way I phrased that as it's ALWAYS the woman who's asked those questions, never the man.

I wasn't ready for these questions.

The day baby one blows the candles out on her first birthday smash cake the questions about baby two start pouring in.

I was ready for them.

Good thing too because the number of times I got asked when Matt and I are having more kids was astronomical. The day I gave birth to my beautiful, perfect little girl I knew I wanted more kid(s). I knew my heart wasn't full with and our family wasn't complete. I just knew. I can't explain it any better than that. Of COURSE I loved Bailey with my entire heart. Of course. And of course I didn't want another child that minute. Or the next 98447839 minutes. I needed time. Of course I needed some time. But, still. I knew from day 1.

Like the stereotypical suburban family, the Hubs and I started trying to have more kids after Bailey turned one.

That was over 14 months ago and the Hubs and I are still there. Trying.

I'm no longer ready or open to those questions. Those questions make my heart bleed and make me want to punch the person in the face.

After trying for baby two for a year, the Hubs and I went to a Reproductive Specialist to get poked and prodded and hand over way too much money to see WTF was going on. And what did we learn? Pretty much nothing. Hubs and I were diagnosed with Unexplained Secondary Infertility.

I can't even handle that phrase. UNEXPLAINED SECONDARY INFERTILITY.

INFERTILITY.

That word. It HAUNTS me. I never imagined one single word could occupy so much of my time and thoughts.

After going through all the tests and blood draws and more tests and more blood draws, the Hubs and I check out a-ok. More than ok. Perfect even. Nothing is "wrong" with either of us. There is NO reason we haven't been able to conceive another child. No known reason at least.

Not knowing how to fix something so important kills me. How do I fight a problem that I can't identify? How do I fix something when I don't know what's broken? It's so unbelievably frustrating.

I wish I had some elegant way to explain how I was and still am feeling. I don't. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm a bitch. I'm really, really sad. I'm guilt-filled. I'm a thousand things in between and I go back and forth between these feelings at an alarming rate.  

So, that's about where I am. The Hubs and I are still trying. My emotions, thoughts and feelings are still ALL OVER the place, ALL the time.

I have a lot more to say on the topic, but I don't really know how. I'm sure, in the least elegant way, it'll spew out over time.

Bailey: 2 Year Update

I'm way late. Bailey turned two in November. Woah. Even typing that kills me. Hooooooow does time go so incredibly fast?!?!

Age: 2 years old

Size: I *think* she was about 27.5 pounds at her 2 year check up. Ugh! I'm so mad I don't know for sure. I'll be better about that.

She's in mainly 24 months clothes. Some 18 month and some 2T, just depending on what hand-me-downs we have laying around.

She's now potty trained (What?!?!? YEP!!!! I know! Don't worry... a full post about the potty training process coming soon), but when she turned 2 she was in size 4 diapers.

She does still wear a diaper to nap (though she's been dry through nap about 90% of the time) and bed (she's dry about 40% of the time). We're working our way through the leftover 4's and 5's at night to give a little extra room.

Sleep: Well, in November when she was actually turned 2, sleep was going well. She was sleeping from 7pm-7am like clockwork. She was napping from 1-3:30ish, pretty well too. Sometimes it'd take her a bit to fall asleep, but generally she was a good sleeper.

Oh, those were the glory days. The wonderful pacifier days.

Those days are over.

Ok, I'm being dramatic. We literally just this week got rid of the paci. Girl started biting through them. That's an understatement. She was destroying the paci's. And destroying them fast. She ruined one in a couple weeks and then the next in 2 days. That's when we knew it was time to get rid of it. We're in the middle of that process now, so I feel like it's not quite fair to say sleep has gone to hell. It'll get better. The first night paci-free was actually great! The second night, there were more than a few tears. I'm confident we'll get back on track. We're still on a 7am-7pm schedule with a 1-3:30pm nap. Or at least that's the plan. Keep your fingers crossed.

We're still going strong in the crib and I have no intentions of moving to a regular bed anytime soon. Girl will go to college in a crib if I have my way. She sleeps with lots of stuffed animals and blankets. Her stuffed Minnie and duck blanket are by far her favorites, but she doesn't have a lovie or anything like that.

Food: We stopped nursing when B was around 14 months. She's now eating 3 solid meals a day and, while she would LOVE to snack ALL DAY LONG, I try to limit her to 1-2 snacks. She LOVES chicken nuggets, string cheese, any kind of fruit, waffles, pancakes, bacon, salami, goldfish crackers, ice cream, and fruit snacks.

She loves milk and juice (which she got for the first time while potty training and continues to ask for it nonstop ever since). She's generally a decent eater. She's not a red-meat fan and won't touch a hamburger to save her life. Veggies are hit or miss, though she's pretty good with peas, corn and broccoli and raw carrots and cucumbers if she can dip them in ranch.

Generally I try to take the parent decides what and when we eat, child decides how much they eat rule. About 75% of the time Bailey is served whatever the Hubs and I are eating for dinner and she can then choose if and how much she eats. I'll generally also give her fruit and/or cheese, as well.

Likes:

-Shows. I limit her TV time a LOT. I try very hard not to let her watch tv 2 days in a row and to limit it to one show a day. Of course, sometimes best laid plans go to hell, but I do try. We're not a tv-on-all-the-time-even-just-in-the-background kind of family. Generally, from 7am-5pm, the TV is simply not on. If we're coming home from somewhere close to nap and I want to keep her awake in the car, I'll let her watch a show (Mickey Clubhouse or Sesame Street) in the car. But, generally-- that's it during the day. If the Hubs gets home before 5:30pm and he and I do a workout at home together, she'll watch a show while he and I workout. ANYWAY-- girl LOVES tv. Every, single day she asks for "shows". Many, many times. It's out biggest battle ground right now. Super fun. Her favorite show, by FAR, is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She loves Paw Patrol and the Leep Frog stuff on Netflix, too.

-Minnie Mouse. She's in love with Minnie. All day, everyday. Minnie. Minnie. Minnie.

-Princesses. Much to my dismay, B is a full fledged girly girl.

-Dolls. Again, she's a girly girl. She LOVES to play with baby dolls-- read to them, give them pretend bottles, carry them around in a pretend car seat, whatever.

-Sadie. They are BFF's and I love it.

Dislikes:

-Beef

-Going to bed/nap without a paci (ugh)

-Being told no. Of course. She's a typical toddler.

-Not being understood. She's a good talker and I can generally understand most of what she says, but still sometimes she knows what she wants but can't articulate it well enough for an adult to understand.

Nicknames: B, Peanut Butter, Bugs, Baileybug, Stinkabink, Silly Billy Gilly Girl