That time I went to a group run... and finished almost last

I love to run. I do. Yet, I haven't been running. I really have no reason for it. I could make the time. I could use the jogging stroller at take Bailey with me. I could go before the Hubs leaves for work (ya know-- at 5am). I could go after B goes to sleep. I could make it work. I really know I could. I just haven't. 

And, I just haven't because I just haven't WANTED to. I'm still working out-- home DVDs & walks. I'm enjoying that. Running hasn't sounded FUN. I LOVE to run. I'm not going to do it if it doesn't sound fun. Why force it? I know the fun will come back. Probably not til fall when this blasted heat is over, but it'll come back.

Ok, ok. I admit it. I also haven't felt like running because I kinda suck at running right now. I'm WAY outta running shape. When I run, I'm slow (for me). When I run, I huff and puff like a chain smoker. When I run, I am reminded over and over again that I am not where I was before I had Bailey. I mean-- duh, but I can kinda blissfully ignore it most other times.

So, I'm not really running right now.

But, I kinda want to. I feel the itch SLOOOOOLY coming back. SLOWLY. Like, "meeeeh- running doesn't sound terrible today so maybe I'll do it tomorrow... maybe" kinda slow. I'd prefer not to be 1000000% out of running shape (the 100% out of it I am now is plenty) when that "I WANNA RUN RIGHT NOW AND ALL THE TIME RUN RUN RUN RUN RUUUUUUN" feeling does come back. I'd like to maintain a "5-miles is easy" kinda stamina.

But, I'm not there. So, for the record, what I'm saying is before I want to start running again, I need to start running again. Makes perfect sense, right?

I do not presently have that sought after 5-mile base, as I quickly learned last week when I went to a local running stores group fun run they do all summer every Thursday evening in hopes of starting to SLOWLY start running before starting running again (again- makes perfect sense) and in hopes to meet some new people in our new town and make some FRIENDS. Anyway- I heard about these via Facebook (where else?) a while ago, but we were busy each Thursday night til this week so, I  had no excuse and told myself I was going!

I got everything ready. I talked to the Hubs and figured out our Bailey plan. He'd cover B duty (random side note: I HAAAAATE when people say the father is "babysitting". Dude. He's the DAD. He's not babysitting. He's dad-ing. End of story.). I'd nurse her before I left, be gone about an hour and though it was putting her bedtime back a few minutes, I'd be back in time to nurse her before bed. I was good to go.

So, of course, then the panic set it.

Amy talked me off the ledge and told me to shut the F up and go. Good advice and exactly what I needed to hear.

I mean- could I even RUN 3 miles? In the crazy heat, btw? Yes, I ran a half a couple weeks ago. But, we ran/walked and when running ran slow. And, it was in the morning. I'm a morning runner. This fun run was at night. I'm not a night runner. And, I'm outta running shape. And my bum/upper leg was really sore (thank you very much curtsey lunges). And, and, and. All the and's the in the world.

But, I went.

Pre-run... very unsure of how this whole RUNNING thing was gonna go.

I had mixed feelings. Part of me was sure I wouldn't even get out of the car. Part of me thought I'd freaking rock it and make a bunch of new running friends and it would be a breeze. Part of me thought I'd come in last and not even talk to anyone.

Sadly, the later is the closest to reality. NO ONE talked to me. No one. And, ok- I didn't talk to anyone either, but everyone seemed to know each other. I stood alone like a total weirdo. That pretty much sucked, I won't lie. Then, the run started and I quickly realized as the humidity starting taking a BEATING on my lungs just how outta shape I was. I struggled to maintain a 9:50ish pace. STRUGGLED.

Apparently it was a little shy of 3 miles (though I did go straight to my car instead of to the door b/c I was in a hurry to get home to nurse Bailey). Pace is a little deceiving as we stopped for a light/cross walk for OVER A MINUTE (slowest freaking light evvver) and for 3 other lights. I'd guess I maintained about a 9:50-10:00 pace. 

The front of the pack seemed to be keeping an easy-to-them 8ish pace. I couldn't help but remember and long for the days when I would have been stride for stride by them. Those days are not today. I was in the back.of.the.pack. Ok, I admit it- not the last person, but in the last couple. No exaggeration.

So, I made no new friends and I was slow and dying. In total honestly, it kinda blew all around. Not the grand return to the sport I love I had in my mind. And.... so what? Of course it wasn't going to be fun. I'm outta shape! It's gonna take WORK to get back, if I ever get back to where I was (which was never even close to great to start with, hello mediocre runner Meagan!). And, if I wanna meet people and make friends, I might actually have to initiate a conversation. As scary as that is.

So, I'm not gonna give up. I don't know if I'll be able to make every Thursday run all summer, but I do know I'm going again this week. And, I'm signing up for a local 5-mile run. I'm not saying I'm diving back into running.... errr.... not even a little. This is still running-before-starting-to-get-back-to-running mode. My goal is to get to that comfy 5-mile base-- not to be in half marathon PR shape. Baby steps. I'm ready for that small step which, for the record, feels like a pretty giant leap right now and still scares the shit out of me. It won't be easy. But, I'm kinda excited to challenge myself again. Let's do this.