Confessions of a First Time Mom

1. I consider it a "good day" if I get to do 2 things: brush my teeth and put on deodorant. We have about 4-5 good days a week. For the record, today was not a good day.

2. The first week we brought Bailey home I was SO sleep deprived I would wake up in the middle of the night and PANIC because I was SURE I fell asleep holding her and now she was gone. During one nap I was SO SURE I had her when I fell asleep, I stripped all the blankets and pillows off the bed and looked under the bed just to be sure I was wrong. She was safely with the Hubs the whole time. 
(Edited note: These dreams and panic attacks come back anytime I'm SUPER short -- and, I mean SUPER short, not just the now-normal sleep deprived-- on sleep now, which happens semi-frequently. F-U-N.)

3. Speaking of the first few weeks-- I lost more freaking hair than I ever knew possible. Why did no one warn me this would happen? I thought I was going bald!!

Yeah... that might look like it was intentional layers or something... nope. The rest of those strands of hair that are supposed to be as long as all my other hair have just broken off. FUN.

4. TLC is the maternity leave channel everyday from about 7am-Noon. All they play is show after show about babies. Seriously. Babies GALORE! They should just rename the channel to the Maternity Leave channel.

5. Sometimes I worry that I'm not "playing" enough with Bailey. I mean... she just kinda lays there still. I try to play with her, but there's only so much you can do when there's no playing back. Hopefully I'm not totally screwing my kid up. :)

6. I haven't worn a normal bra since she was born. Yep, sorry Victoria's Secret-- you're of no use to me right now. Underwire can hinder breastmilk supply, so it's been all wireless nursing bras. Let me tell you just how sexy these suckers are.... yeaaaaah.

7. Numerous times I day I try to bargain with Bailey as though she can actually understand and respond to me. For example, earlier today I asked Bailey to give me just 5 more minutes so I could finish folding the laundry. I told her after 5 minutes I was all hers. Girl did not care one bit. Needless to say, I did not finish folding the laundry that day.

 8. This has nothing to do with being a first time mom, but since I'm confessing, I figure I mine as well get it off my chest. I never, ever do the warm up or cool down on workout videos. I've never even seen what Jillian's cool down is and I've only ever seen the warm up via fast-forward.

No, Jillian. I will not do arm circles with you. FAST FORWARD! Let's start the workout!

9. I *still* spend more time than I'd like to admit googling things about babies. Some recent searches: "How to get baby asleep?", "What if baby hasn't smiled yet?", "What does breastfed baby diarrhea look like?", "When to start sleep training?", "What if baby doesn't nap?". I really need to stop. I KNOW there are a GAZILLION opinions about everything. I KNOW there won't be some magic, perfect answer out there. Yet, I. CAN'T. STOP. Intervention needed.

10. I admit it: I do drink caffeine, even though I'm breastfeeding. I know, I know. I'm a terrible mom. I limit it to ONE cup of coffee each morning or sips of the Hubs diet pepsi if we go out to eat. However, I will give myself some credit because I am also drinking about 10 gazillion gallons of water each day, too.

EDITED: Yeah, I started this post WEEKS ago and just re-read it before publishing and have since given up caffeine. I read (again, damn google!) that caffeine can hinder b-fed babies sleep, so I gave it up. UGH! Sleep deprivation + no coffee = DANGER! I was 100% caffeine free for 2 1/2 weeks, but it seemed to make no difference AT ALL in her sleep, so I'm not allowing myself the occasional cup of coffee in the morning. When I go back to work, I imagine I'll drink more and more. Ugh.

11. There have been times when I just can't figure out why Bailey is crying. I used to think there was always a tangible reason babies cry: hunger, sleep, diaper, etc. I no longer think this. I now think sometimes, babies just cry. I'm sure somewhere deep down, it is for a reason... maybe it's 1 degree too hot or too cold or their swaddle is one smidgen too tight or too loose. Who knows. It sure seems like sometimes they just cry for NO. REASON. 

This is her t-minute 10 seconds to melt-down face. 

12. Sleep deprivation is hard core. I'm not one who needs a TON of sleep to function... but, damn. I've never been so tired in my entire life. Turns out there's a BIG, BIIIIG difference between 6 consecutive hours of sleep and 6 hours of sleep interrupted for over an hour every 2-3ish hours. Big difference. I was in no way prepared.

13. Being a mom is HARD. Much, much harder than I was expecting. There have been times when I've cried because I can't seem to make Bailey stop crying or because she woke herself up because the paci fell out... again. For the 10th time in the previous 15 minutes. I used to think being a mom would be pretty easy overall. I mean, I worked at a daycare for a summer. I thought I had this whole baby thing down. Yeaaaaah. Being a MOM is a totally different world. My boobs feel like they're going to be sucked dry. I'm covered in baby throw up all. the. time. I can't remember... well, anything, ever. I feel like I'm kinda walking on thin-ice all day long just waiting for the next meltdown. I google almost everything. I doubt every decision. I want to punch every person who asks me if she's sleeping through the night yet. I haven't slept over 4.5 hours in a row since before she was born. I say all this and I think overall Bailey is a pretty good baby. Even "good" babies are still HARD. Like, really, really hard. Again, I was in no way prepared for just how hard.  Good thing babies are so stinkin' cute, huh?