Confession Time

Ok, it's confession time...

While WIAW might have already been covered and touched on my Monday foods... I need to confess my TODAY foods. Because, it's been bad. Very bad.

I've been eating all day. Like, I can. not. stop.

My office had a meeting over breakfast today at a local diner. I tried to "be good". I really did. (Spoiler: I didn't succeed).

I had 1/2 an 4-egg egg white and spinach omelet (w/ cheese, but I didn't eat too much of it-- honestly-- most of the cheese was in the middle and I ate both ends... I'm weird). {Side note: Why do they feel the need to make a FOUR egg omelet??? Who needs FOUR eggs and more shit in it?? Seriously! }I got fruit instead of hash browns (Spoiler: that was the only good choice I've made today) and then I had a choice: toast, pancake, or biscuit and gravy.

I know I should have gotten the toast. I know that. I did not do that. I got the biscuit and gravy.

It just sounded SO good. Of course it did, Meagan, you dummy. It had the word GRAVY in the name! To give myself a smidge of credit, I did only eat 1 biscuit and about 1/2 the gravy. Still.

After the meeting I got to my office at about 9. Normally I don't even eat breakfast til 9, so I should have been STUFFED.

And, I was STUFFED. Well beyond just full.

But, then I couldn't stop thinking about food. Food, food, food. All I wanted and could think about was MORE FOOD.

So, I ate. And ate. And ate.

I made the conscious decision to eaaaaaaat, KNOWING I wasn't hungry and mentally acknowledging both that fact and the fact that I didn't need any more that morning. Didn't matter. I wanted food. 

I had 2 laffy taffys, 2 mini kit kats, and 2 fun size skittles. Demolished them. In under 10 minutes. I couldn't stop. I don't even think I tasted any of it.

THEN, I had a bag of baked cheetos and a diet coke.

It wasn't even 10am.

And, I KNEW I had lunch plans at Noon, so it's not like I could tell myself "Oh, you'll skip lunch" or "Oh, I'll just eat really late lunch". Nope. It was just a good ol' fashion pig out.

I went to Panera at noon for lunch with a friend and had the You Pick Two with 1/2 the BBQ chicken salad and 1/2 an asiago roast beef sand (w/o mayo and cheese). And the baguette (duh).

OMG. How have I eaten all that?? How could I have eaten all that before 1pm?? Seriously.  

I just couldn't stop. Now, I feel GROSS. Disgustingly full and my pants are tight and my tummy's upset and BLEH.

But, worse-- I feel BAD. I feel disappointed in myself.  I'm MAD at myself. And, I can't stop thinking about it, which is just making me think about food EVEN MORE.

How come when you start the day eating bad it's ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT?

How come when we're "bad" we BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA OURSELVES mentally but when we workout like a beast we hardly mentally acknowledge it? Ok... maybe not "we". Maybe just ME.

Why am I so hard on myself on the bad days? Why do I not give myself much (or even any sometimes!) credit on the good days? Why am I my own worst enemy and my biggest critic? Why can't I be my biggest cheerleader?

I know I need to work on cutting myself some slack and accepting that I AM NOT PERFECT. So far from it. I know that. And, yet- I get mad at myself when I make poor choices. I know I need to learn to accept myself for the good and the bad. Accept that there are going to be BAD days. Accept that there are going to be GOOD days. Yesterday, I stayed right at1400 calories-- including a trip for $2 burgers (Yes, again this week! Don't judge!) AND had a good running day. Today, I went to spinning and ate my weight in candy. It happens.

As some wonderful friends have told me today when I unloaded all this on them earlier-- bad days happen. Hungry days happen. So what?!?!? I could have made even WORSE choices. I could have made better choices. It happens. Get over it. Now-- now, I need to decide how the REST of the day will go. That's all I can control now. And, ya know what-- if it's just a freaking hungry day, then so be it. Try to make better choices. Eat some protein. Drink lots of water. But, eat if it's just one of those days. Eat a lot, even. If it's a hungry day, it's a hungry day.
THAT'S OK! No one died. No one went to jail. It's OK.

Tomorrow can be a better day. Hell, even the rest of today can be a better rest of today. But, it's OK if they're not. I have good days, I have bad days, I have better days, I have worse days. It happens and it's going to continue to happen.

So, I'll work on it. I am working on it. I'll continue to work on it. I'll keep trying to give myself a break and not be so hard on myself. I'll keep trying to be PROUD of myself for the good things.

And, for the record I realize I JUST posted about almost this same concept, but about skipping workouts. I'm just a big barrel of fun lately. And an even bigger work in progress.